I just had my very first tonsil stone

the smell was epic.

I had a whole, nightmarish weekend of TMI. I have no idea what caused it, probably some sort of food poisoning. Started at around 4am on saturday, and I ended up not only in the emergency room, but admitted to the hospital until monday, since I couldnt hold down my fluids.

In general, there was nothing remarkably unusual about it, save the severity. Foam shits just falling out the ass, which had the most vile smell imaginable, and downright violent, painful, retching which caused groin muscle aches so bad, I actually required painkillers.

Despite the fact that for the most part, my hospital stay was relatively without note, there were a few things worth mentioning.

1. There is a new unfuckingbelievable anti-nausea drug on the market called zofran, engineered for chemo patients. It gets injected right into your iv and knocks you the fuck out. As I wrote in my own journal, I am glad that finally, someone in the pharmaceutical industry figured this one out. Creating a drug to combat nausea shouldn't be rocket science. Hello, I AM VOMITING SO HARD I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A HERNIA, and I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE. Please give me something that renders me unconscious as quickly and effectively as possible. I have no plans to jaunt out of the emergency room to operate a commercial vehicle, so I really don't need to be awake through this whole ordeal. Just roll me over onto my side so I don't pull a Hendrix and everything will be fine.

The drug works marvelously. However, nothing lasts nearly long enough for a full bout of food poisoning, and once I had reached my four shot limit in the ER, with only an hour or so respite between heaves, they decided to admit me.

2. There is this hideous substance called Contrast. This is a fluid that one must drink about two large cups of before getting a CT scan. Due to the fact I was experiencing abdominal pain, and it was discovered that I was an appendicitis risk (based on a doctor's finding from a few months ago), we all agreed it was probably a good idea to get one of these scans. I have had this substance before, so I knew that it would not be pleasant, especially with my nighmarish nausea, and I had no idea how I was going to get through it. So after a fat shot of zofran, I got to work on the two, frat-party-sized paper cups of fluid that I knew I would probably be tasting again later.

The problem with Contrast is that it sneaks up on you. As you start to drink it, it's actually ok. It's cold, apple-juicy, almost pleasant, and I was dehydrated as all hell, so it was a nice sensation for my parched piehole. By the time you get a little more than halfway through this shit, however, it peels off its nice, sunshine demeanor and transforms into rancid piss that has been freshly milked out of a two year old who, prior to their recent and untimely death in an elecrtical fire, drank a juice box that expired in 1987.

Let's just say that I got through about as much as I could, and fortunately, it was enough. The next task was a.) waiting the necessary 15 minutes for it to digest and b.) holding my cookies long enough to get the series of CT scans finished. I succeeded in keeping everything down, and grabbed the basin the second I returned to my bed in the ER.

There was a poll in this forum a long time ago asking "what was the worst thing you ever threw up?" Well, aside from the "double-rich" chocolate milkshake my gut was kicking out that saturday when all of this bullshit started (seriously, double chocolate milkshake is a horrible, horrible thing to vomit and I hope it never happens to you) Contrast could definitely share that distinction... and the bucketful of bile which came up about an hour later, when the vote was unanimous that I should be admitted.

3. Another thing which has been discussed in this forum is the phenomenon of farting yourself awake. Well, despite my incredible success of keeping my drawers clean through all of the painful heaving at home and in the ER, I actually *shit* myself awake that night in my hospital room. I woke up, and said "I had my hystorectamy over a year ago, why does it feel like Im having my period?" Because seriously, it did. It was the most barely noticable shit-my-pants sensation Id ever had. Yet it woke me up. I checked my underwear and it looked like someone had taken a sharpie and drawn a few lines down the middle. wtf? My ass has turned into a cake decorator. Fortunately, it wasn't a huge mess, and I was able to clean myself up in the bathroom without any nurse assistance. (save for him fetching me a new pair of pants and some hot wipes.)

4. (Sneaky edit.) The most bizarre thing in all of this is that once I got to the emergency room and on a gurney, I developed chills so severe that they had to cover me with heated blankets, and my fingers turned blue. I never once had a fever, and it definitely wasn't the flu. IV fluids are refrigerated, but I don't think I've ever gotten a reaction like that from em. Has anyone here gotten blue fingers from food poisoning?


5. Because I am an idiot, I will probably still eat burritos from that taco truck. Especially since I've eaten there a hundred times already, and never had a problem before. I'm still not entirely sure I got it from there.

Seriously, their pollo asado burritos are amazing, and sometimes, food poisoning just happens, even in the finest restaurants, and I recall their health inspection score card being just fine.

I feel like I'm defending my date rapist or something.

It's like Homer Simpson and the sandwich. "I could never stay mad at you."

today i discovered that if you rub a bit of burt's bees chapstick on your finger, gently apply to your clit, and then splash cold water on it, IT'S FUCKING INVIGORATING. it's like those neutrogena wake-up facial cleansers for your cooch.

also my sister decided to let me know that she has been sharing my thongs without my knowledge. that's just fantastic. so glad to know that what has been shoved up my vagina, has been shoved up her's as well. nothing closer than a sisterly bond, eh?
 

Drive by TMI...

Paper bag of shit next to my neighbor's door, torn open and partially smushed around on the sidewalk. It was packed so full, that it looked as if someone had actually sliced it open, as if it were a loaf of shit.

gotta love my hood. its the first world and there still isn't a place for everyone to be able to shit.

Does anyone else ever get the shits that smell like baby poop?

It doesn't happen all the time but sometimes, and I don't know why. I think for me it's a dairy thing, I had a wrap with sour cream and cheddar cheese which could be the cause.

Earlier today I tweeted a poorly worded message that gave probably half of my followers the wrong impression (note to self: including the word past probably would have made all the difference in the world). For the record: I am not pregnant. I have no desire or plan to be! And with everything that’s going on, I think I’d shoot myself if a pee stick turned up positive.

But I am sick. I guess I forgot to knock on wood, because I woke up last Friday morning with an itchy throat. I ran fevers off and on all weekend, and what was an occasional throat-clearing has blossomed into a serious 24/7 cough fest. My abdominal muscles ache, my throat is raw, and I can’t stop coughing. I’m sucking on cough drops like they’re oxygen, and downing Dayquil every four to six hours. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow afternoon, and I’m taking Alyssa in on Thursday morning since she is still sick. Ryan sees the doctor right after her for his continuing bowel issues.

I’ve got some pretty cool product reviews to do. One is for Respiratory Guard, which if I may be perfectly honest, tastes like berry-flavored ass (yes, I plan on including that lovely description in the actual review. After all, I was asked by the company and the organizer of the review to be honest!). I also received a Disney Tabletop Christmas Tree. I know. Kick-ass, right? It’s worth $199. When I showed it to Dan his response was, “Are you sure you didn’t really buy that?” No, I really didn’t buy it. It’s pretty, and I’m sure well worth two hundred bucks, but it’s not my kind of purchase to make. It is beautiful, however, and I can’t wait to put it out when we decorate for Christmas!

I’m looking forward to Thursday: not the 8:00am and 8:15am appointments for the kids, but the midnight showing of 2012 that Jason, my mom and I are going to. Friday is payday, which means a grocery store and Target run to replenish on food and household goods. Saturday will be spent with my mom in Philadelphia. She wants to stop and visit with a woman she knows from a Yorkshire Terrier message board, I want to see my dad (I haven’t seen him since last February!), and then we’re going to see Mannheim Steam Roller at 8:00pm.

What are your plans for the week?

Originally published at jenn.nu. You can comment here or there.

Who eats these things? They have seriously been fucking my shit up the last couple days. I ate one Saturday night, one on Sunday morning, and then another Monday morning and since yesterday I have been having the most toxic, nasty farts ever. I didn't get any epic shits until today, and I swear that thing was as long as my forearm, all coiled up. I wish I would've taken a picture, it was amazing. Now everytime I eat something my tummy hurts. :( Does this happen to anyone else? I thought I would be okay because I get literally no fiber, I'm always constipated/shit out knives.  Lemme hear yr tmi fiber one stories.
Also going on...more of a tmi help/reassure me/therapy....
I'm paranoid that all these tummy troubles are because I'm pregnant. I am supposed to get my period in a week and I'm getting really anxious. My boyfriend ejaculated inside me last month for the first time ever and I'm convinced he got me pregnant and I'm terrified. However, when we did this I was on like the 3rd day of my period, and he hasn't done it since then. Please don't terrify me with stories of "zomgz my best friend's cousin's friend's niece got pregnant on her period" Give me some reassurance people!! 

So I just finished my interview for volunteering with the library's adult literacy program, and I think it went as well as it could have lol. There was a written test, a verbal test, and a one-on-one interview. Everything went great, except for one part at the beginning.

I sailed through the first half of the written test and was all, "oh yeahs, so easy whooo" and then turned the page and came face to face with ... math. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lol (if you know me, you know that math was never my strong point. I did well enough in it but it never came easily to me lol)

I described my nooooo moment to the coordinator conducting the interview and she laughed and said a lot of volunteers are surprised by the math questions as they're all "I love reading and writing! I want to share my love with other people!" and don't think that adult literacy is also about real life skills and comprehension and helping people deal with practical scenarios. XD Well I knew that but I'm just not good at math! Waaah!

Anyhoo, the interview itself went well (I always have fun in interviews and usually end up chatting about other things with the interviewer, in this case cow stomachs and how lobsters and spiders are related), and at the end I was like, "Don't laugh too hard at my math answers ;_;"

But yeah, the math was actually really easy (they made most of the answers whole numbers and a lot of questions were just basic, "what's your change if you had this much $$ etc." practical type questions), I just wasted too much time going "OMG MATH NOOOOO" got stumped at one long division question that had a continuing decimal in the answer. I ended up circling that one and writing, "THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG :(" followed by a "I forgot how to do this" lol

Well, not bad for totally not expecting it anyways. Don't laugh too hard at my incompetence you guys :{

Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention. There was an article in the paper today that made me do a doubletake on the bus. "Tiptoeing through the tavern with ukes" and "torontoukes.com" surprised me until I read about a regular gathering of ukulele players in the city.

I went to California in August… Enjoy my sunburn/blister

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g16/colonel_pete/284.jpg

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g16/colonel_pete/292.jpg

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g16/colonel_pete/293.jpg

So I didn't eat much today. I had some toast for breakfast, 2 grilled cheeses for lunch and another 2 for dinner and a slice of orginal syle cheesecake.

I layed down at midnight to go to sleep, as
I am very tired and have a lot to get done tomorrow so I would like a decenet sleep.
Obviously my colon has other plans.
For the last roughly 3 hours, I have forced to flee to the toilet every hour, to sit and projecticle out nothing even remotely identifiable.

Its all clear liquidy with speckles of poo. I stay seated on the john until I am certain its all out, only to end up back in the same position an hour later, doing the same thing.
Its getting to the point my poor bum hurts a little.

Is it so much to ask for a decent night sleep when that is all I want?